What to do if your boss endlessly yells at you, hurls insults, and at the same time there is no opportunity to leave work? How to establish relationships with management that are comfortable for work?

A question on this topic came to our editorial mail. "I recently had an unpleasant incident with my boss, and I realized that I was not psychologically prepared for this. I would like to read practical advice - what to do in a situation if your boss is boorish or bullies you using his official position? How can I protect myself?"

This state of affairs is by no means uncommon. “Even if you are eaten, you still have two choices,” says an old joke. By following very simple tips, you can learn to change the aggressor-victim scenario into a healthier interaction.

Internal distance

A feeling of resentment and humiliation arises when the boss sees that you can be hurt. There is a category of people who enjoy the illusion of power and the ability to influence the mood of others.

In this case, you need to work out two lines of behavior:

1.Your attitude. A person can only insult you if you allow him to do so. If a crazy homeless person yells at you on the street, will you take it to heart? You will think: “why did he say that”? Is it because of your appearance? Is it because I look like someone who can be offended?" No, you'll just pass by.

Also in relationships at work, if you understand that there is a person next to you who provokes you out of boredom or weakness of mind and character, pass by. Not literally, but internally. Until you can find another job.

There is a simple truth: to become a victim, you must admit that you are being influenced. In order to avoid this status - the next point.

2. Your reactions. Of course, a person is not a robot, so it is not always possible to abstract from the inside. There is a possibility that a boorish boss likes to make you cry. Then his main goal will be your reaction. He will literally hunt her down. Your task is not to give any emotion other than calm and equanimity.

There are simple techniques that allow you to abstract yourself and not react:

- "Glass". You imagine that you and another person are separated by a wall of soundproof glass. You see the other person's emotions and understand what he is telling you, but his words cannot hurt you.

- "Small child". In order not to get involved in a quarrel and not to react to insults, you can imagine what kind of child your boss was. Try to see him as a small kid, offended by the whole world, who screams at you from powerlessness: he is not dangerous, and you can only sympathize with him.

- "Stupid look." This method of devaluing imagination is effective if there is no strength to maintain neutrality, and the boss does not evoke any feelings other than negative ones. Imagine the person who is intentionally insulting you has something funny on their head or body: a jester's hat, a trash can, a colander... This will not make you a better person or solve the problem, but it will allow you to temporarily abstract yourself until you learn to hold on internal distance.

- "The strategy of the gray stone." Used in cases of working with psychopaths and inadequate individuals. Last resort. You pretend to be a completely uninteresting person, answering questions in a boring and ordinary way. Psychopaths hate boredom. The less interesting you are, the less you want to touch you. You don’t give a reaction, there is nothing in your life that he could delve into. A sort of corpse. It’s not for nothing that animals pretend to be dead - this is the best way to protect themselves from being eaten.

Establishing equal relationships

There is another type of people who behave aggressively and impulsively, but they do not need your emotions directly; they tend to categorize people as “worthy and weak.” They insult because they think you are "lesser" than them. This can be expressed in a commanding tone, harsh and negatively colored treatment. In this case, the most important thing is to answer immediately, firmly and without hesitation: “Do I have the right?” No aggression in response, but the boundary must be respected.

If you are raised your voice, insulted or humiliated, do not be afraid to respond: “I will not talk to you when you raise your voice at me.” This banal phrase, pronounced firmly and calmly, has a magical effect and puts you into a stupor, especially if you have previously “fallen for” provocations. Minimum of emotions on the face, maximum static in posture and gaze.

The first time you try this, it is quite possible that it will cause your boss to go hysterical. He will be shocked by the new strategy and then he will begin: either to threaten, squeezing out the usual reaction, or, if he is more or less intellectually gifted, to accept a new strategy while gritting his teeth.

In the first case, return to the first techniques until he is no longer interested in tormenting you. In the second, a cold but safe relationship will be established. Your task is not to make friends, but to find a way to work without “vampirism”.

Gilmanova Roza Salikhzyanovna(08/08/2012 at 13:56:57)

Good afternoon First, you need to calm down. Because in such a state, it is indeed difficult to properly perform one’s duties. Secondly, if you perform your job duties properly, there are no grounds for your dismissal. Look at what you said about the responsibilities and job descriptions? There must be valid reasons for dismissal. Read the reasons for terminating an employment contract at the initiative of the employer. Article 81 of the Labor Code of the Russian Federation. An employment contract can be terminated by the employer in the following cases: 1) liquidation of the organization or termination of activities by an individual entrepreneur; 2) reduction in the number or staff of employees of an organization or individual entrepreneur; 3) the employee’s inconsistency with the position held or the work performed due to insufficient qualifications confirmed by certification results; 4) change of owner of the organization’s property (in relation to the head of the organization, his deputies and the chief accountant); 5) repeated failure by an employee to perform labor duties without good reason, if he has a disciplinary sanction; 6) a single gross violation of labor duties by an employee: a) absenteeism, that is, absence from the workplace without good reason throughout the entire working day (shift), regardless of its duration, as well as in the case of absence from the workplace without good reason more than four hours in a row during a working day (shift); b) the employee appears at work (at his workplace or on the territory of the organization - the employer or facility where, on behalf of the employer, the employee must perform a labor function) in a state of alcohol, narcotic or other toxic intoxication; c) disclosure of secrets protected by law (state, commercial, official and other) that became known to the employee in connection with the performance of his job duties, including disclosure of personal data of another employee; d) committing at the place of work theft (including small) of someone else's property, embezzlement, intentional destruction or damage, established by a court verdict that has entered into legal force or by a body or official authorized to consider cases of; e) a violation by an employee of labor protection requirements established by the commission on labor protection or the authorized representative for labor protection, if this violation entailed serious consequences (industrial accident, breakdown, catastrophe) or knowingly created a real threat of such consequences; 7) commission of guilty actions by an employee directly servicing monetary or commodity assets, if these actions give rise to a loss of confidence in him by the employer; 8) an employee performing educational functions has committed an immoral offense that is incompatible with the continuation of this work; 9) making an unjustified decision by the head of the organization (branch, representative office), his deputies and the chief accountant, which entailed a violation of the safety of property, its unlawful use or other damage to the property of the organization; 10) a single gross violation by the head of the organization (branch, representative office), his deputies of their labor duties; 11) the employee submits false documents to the employer when concluding an employment contract; 12) has become invalid. - dated June 30, 2006 N 90-FZ; 13) provided for in the employment contract with the head of the organization, members of the collegial executive body of the organization; 14) in other cases established by this Code and other federal laws. The procedure for conducting certification (clause 3 of part one of this article) is also established by other regulatory legal acts containing standards, local regulations adopted taking into account the opinion of the representative body of employees. Thirdly, are there any witnesses to your conversations? Will they be able, if necessary, to take your side and confirm your words? Fourthly, do not allow yourself to be intimidated under any circumstances. If something happens, immediately contact the state labor inspectorate, the prosecutor's office or the court, depending on the situation. By the way, it is possible that what you described falls under the signs of an act provided for in Article 136 of the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation. Article 136 of the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation. Violation of equality of rights and freedoms of man and citizen. Discrimination, that is, violation of the rights, freedoms and legitimate interests of a person and citizen depending on his gender, race, nationality, language, origin, property and official status, place of residence, attitude to religion, beliefs, membership in public associations or any social groups, committed by a person using his official position, is punishable by a fine in the amount of one hundred thousand to three hundred thousand rubles or in the amount of any other income of the convicted person for a period of one to two years, or holding certain positions or engaging in certain activities for a period of up to five years, or compulsory labor for a term of up to four hundred eighty hours, or correctional labor for a term of up to two years, or forced labor for a term of up to five years, or imprisonment for the same term. COMMENTARY ON THE CRIMINAL CODE OF THE RUSSIAN FEDERATION. Seventh edition, revised and expanded. Executive editor: Honored Scientist of the Russian Federation, Doctor of Law, Professor A.I. RAROG. 1. Article 136 of the Criminal Code establishes the criminal legal protection of the inalienable human right to equality with other people, guaranteed by Art. 19 of the Constitution of the Russian Federation. According to the Constitution of the Russian Federation (Chapter 2), as well as the Universal Declaration of Human Rights, the subjects of constitutional rights and freedoms are not only citizens of the Russian Federation, but also people in general, regardless of their citizenship of another state. 2. Discrimination against a person (or group of people) - deliberate infringement of the rights and freedoms of one (one) in comparison with another (other). The grounds for discrimination are the circumstances specified in Part 1 of Art. 136 of the Criminal Code. Part 2 of Art. 19 of the Constitution of the Russian Federation guarantees equality of people regardless of other circumstances. Because of this, the effect of Art. 136 of the Criminal Code should not be limited to the circumstances specified in Part 1 of this article. Discrimination can be expressed both in action and inaction: failure to fulfill duties by persons on whom the realization of a person’s rights and his legitimate interests depends, obstruction of the exercise of rights, infringement of legitimate interests, including the provision of advantages to other persons by infringing on rights and legitimate interests of the victim (Part 3 of Article 17 of the Constitution of the Russian Federation), as well as in the intentional commission of other actions that in any form limit human rights on the basis of social, racial, national, linguistic or religious affiliation. Differences in the scope and content of the realized constitutional rights of individual people cannot be considered as a fact of discrimination in the absence of signs of intentional infringement of the rights of one (some) compared to the other (others). 3. The crime is completed from the moment this act is committed. The consequence of a violation of equality may be the infringement of housing, labor, property, personal and public interests protected by criminal law. For example, based on discrimination, a person’s right to safe working conditions may be violated, freedom to choose a profession, remuneration for work, etc. may be limited. In the case where these violations are associated with a deliberate infringement of equality based on discrimination, the offense should be classified as a set of crimes. 4. A violation of equality is only such an infringement of the rights and legitimate interests of a person that is committed on grounds of discrimination. According to Art. 136 of the Criminal Code cannot qualify actions (inactions) committed, for example, out of selfish or other personal interest. This crime can only be committed with direct intent. 5. The subject of this crime is a person who has reached 16 years of age. 6. Qualifying feature provided for in Part 2 of Art. 136 of the Criminal Code, - use of official position. This sign determines the method of violation of equality and does not depend on the characteristics of the subject of this crime (for example, the characteristics of an official). In the case where, for reasons of discrimination, an official uses his official position, his act is qualified under a set of articles of the Criminal Code (for example, Articles 136 and 286). Good luck to you!

What to do if the boss clings for any reason, but cannot fire you because there is no formal reason and the Labor Code does not allow it? Does it make sense to try to build a relationship?

A boss who is a tyrant and an aggressor is a big failure. His nagging and “attacks” can poison one’s existence and even lead to a nervous breakdown. What to do - try to improve relations with your superiors or look for another place of work?

Where to begin

So, the boss is picking on you, he’s just annoying you - rudely, but there’s no other way to put it. Every day you catch yourself not wanting to go to work because you are afraid of his boss’s roar, nagging and accusations of professional unsuitability. I want, like in my distant childhood, to hide in a corner and categorically declare: “I won’t go there again.” Maybe I really shouldn't go? Let's start with this. It is important to understand whether to leave this job or try to improve your relationship with your boss. Of course, the first option is easier. If you are not a fighter by nature and are used to taking the path of least resistance, it probably makes sense to choose it. Based on everyday considerations, it is unlikely that a bomb will fall into the same crater a second time, in other words, the likelihood of encountering a tyrant and tyrant at a new job is low.

If you are not looking for easy ways and giving up or giving in to difficulties is not in your habits, fight. More precisely, build a strategy and act.

First, think about what is fair in his nitpicking and what is not. At the same time, be honest with yourself. Maybe he is punctual like clockwork, and you are late every day? Or is he neat and pedantic, and your appearance infuriates him? Think about what kind of nagging is fair and try to eliminate the reason.

How to improve relations with your superiors? To do this, first of all, you need to understand what type he belongs to, that is, call on the psychology of communication for help.

What to do if your boss is hysterical?

There is a type of boss - especially many of them among women - who can only be called hysterical. They themselves are constantly in a state of psychological stress and lash out at their subordinates. At the same time, with strangers, say, employees of other departments, and their own superiors, they are nice and friendly. These “hyenas in syrup”, of course, need the help of a specialist. But what should you do? You are not a doctor, after all.

If you are firmly convinced that your tyrant is one of these hysterical types, then choose a tactic that can roughly be called tank tactics. Remain extremely calm, and under no circumstances, under any circumstances, should you scream. If you know for sure that the accusations of professional incompetence are unfounded and you are truly a high-level specialist, object with reason. If he wants to push his “jamb” on you, do not hesitate to show that he is to blame, not you. And one more piece of advice - enlist the support of your team and, what is very important, your superiors. This should not be perceived as snitching, snitching, etc. You have long since grown out of kindergarten age, and appealing to management in this case is not at all like complaining to the teacher about a classmate who took away your typewriter.

Remember - hysterical bosses are afraid of those who can resist them. Most likely, he will leave you alone if he understands that he cannot break you. If he senses weakness, he will sit on your neck and never stop nagging.

What to do if your boss is a tyrant?

The next type is a tyrant boss. He differs from a hysterical person in that he behaves aggressively with everyone - both his own and strangers. In addition, his aggression is caused not by self-doubt, like a hysterical woman, but by a sense of his own superiority. As a rule, this is a man who revels in power over people and occupies a fairly high position - top manager, general director, owner of the company. He is sure that everyone around him is fools, and communicating with people much stupider than him is nothing more than a lifelong punishment from God. Again, let's turn to the psychology of communication. When dealing with a tyrant, it is very important to behave correctly from the very beginning. The fact is that he, like every person with poor self-control, has a separate behavioral stereotype for everyone. If you immediately make it clear that you cannot be yelled at or stomped on, then at least you will not become a whipping boy. This task is not easy, but if you cope with it, then 50 percent of success is in your pocket. Use different behavioral techniques. For example, before you appear before his superior eyes, convince yourself that he is the same person as you. That he is just your boss and why would you allow him to humiliate you! Or try to imagine him sitting on the chamber pot wearing his bunny slippers. Introduced? Funny? This funny little man dares to raise his voice at you? That's it! Just try not to laugh out loud.

What to do if your boss is a nitpicker?

This type of bad boss is, at first glance, more harmless than the previous two. Just think - the boss is finding fault!

But in fact, a nagging person with his petty but incessant remarks can drive even an employee with an angelic character into a frenzy. It is the nitpicker who keeps track of when you came to work and whether, God forbid, you were three minutes late. It is he who marks the time when you leave for lunch. And if your phone rings late in the evening on weekdays or early in the morning on weekends, rest assured, it’s him, your boss. He calls to get confirmation right now that the earth is a sphere or that the Volga flows into the Caspian Sea. Options are possible, but the essence does not change. He will look for small flaws in your work and demonstrate each one to everyone around him, including high management.

What to do with him? Re-educate. It is with nitpicking that a direct path is possible, without intrigue and cunning approaches. Simply, looking him firmly in the eyes (this is what wild animal trainers do), ask him what exactly he doesn’t like about your work, and ask him to discuss your shortcomings with you, and not with everyone else. As for calls and other troubles that poison your life, everything is simple. Don't answer the phone, don't be late, and be back from lunch on time. He will get bored, and you will see - he will leave you alone.

Of course, you are unlikely to be able to re-educate and tame the boss. But you can certainly establish a relationship with him and make your life easier. And let his household handle his re-education - the boss’s bad character and poor upbringing will cease to be your problems if he stops nagging you and lets you work in peace.

Hello Anna.

There are two things to pay attention to in your situation.

About communication at work

Communication with a colleague as such. You did not write whether this man is married or not. If he is married, then close personal relationships with this person should be ended, because there can be no personal communication between an unmarried girl and a married man, since on a subtle level on his part this is infidelity to his wife. When a man and a woman communicate on personal topics, a certain intimacy arises between them; in this case, you need to distance yourself from this person and communicate with him only about work.

If this person is not married, then it is worth figuring out what motive is behind his rude behavior. Perhaps he likes you as a woman. But since you were in a relationship with another man, this made him jealous. This option is possible, so take a closer look and try to understand if this is so.

About personal boundaries and self-esteem

In any difficult situation, it is important to ask yourself the question: why do I need this situation? What lesson am I learning through it? The answer here is this. You need to explore the topic of personal boundaries and develop your self-esteem. When any person, whether at work or at home, violates your boundaries, humiliates or insults you, you should not persuade him not to do this, do not ask, do not beg, but go to an emotional distance.

To say in one sentence that you are in pain right now, you are not ready to communicate in this way and you need to stay at a distance. And for one or two days you and your colleague communicate only about work and don’t say anything about yourself personally. Only this teaches a person.

It is important to understand that there are two people involved in a relationship. There is the responsibility of the first for what he does, how he behaves (in this case, he insults, behaves rudely), and there is the responsibility of the second (you) for how he reacts to this. If you react with tears, support his behavior of communicating as if nothing had happened, if you tell him, but still then accept his conditions, then nothing will change for the better. People understand the actions and strength of our character. You need to learn not to allow this kind of behavior towards yourself.

On the online training project, we deeply and thoroughly analyze this topic in the training “Confident, happy, loved”: the degree of detachment, how and why to do it, what stages to go through. If you want to understand this topic more deeply, come to our training. In general, you can search for information on this topic on the Internet, there is also quite a lot of it.

I wish you to pass your life lessons with dignity. May everything work out for you!