Mikhail Labkovsky psychologist about happiness. Great advice from Mikhail Labkovsky about love, marriage, children and the meaning of life

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At a lecture by psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky, included in the lecture series “Happiness in Being Yourself,” subscribers asked questions and learned why in Russia it is more appropriate to say “joy” rather than “pleasure,” when you can grumble about the long winter, so that it is not harmful to psychological state, and why a man may prefer an awkward fat woman to an attractive woman

I think that I am not the most beautiful girl, and this makes me feel unhappy. Do you think beauty and happiness are interconnected concepts?

Absolutely not. Firstly, how can we talk about beauty that brings happiness if we all mean different things by beauty? My friend said: “My woman looks like a monkey - but you should have seen her through my eyes.” That's the thing, you see. Secondly, women often associate their happiness with the attitude of men towards them. For example, almost everyone worries about age. But men react not to age, but to a woman’s attitude towards him. Do you know what Antonio Banderas' wife looks like? She is 10 years older than him, she is not distinguished by beauty, just as she was not distinguished at 20 years old. Banderas sees and knows all this: he is a great photographer and understands beauty. But he loves his wife, no matter what, because she has a number of internal qualities that make her an attractive woman.

One question has been troubling me for a long time: why are we afraid to enjoy life and be happy?

Fear of pleasure is difficult to overcome; it is directly related to anxiety. This is a problem that has been ingrained in the minds of generations. The idea that if you feel good, you will have to pay for it, has existed in the Russian consciousness for many centuries. In Russia it is not customary to say that everything is fine with you. Konchalovsky once said in response to a question about what his film was about: our man is pleased not that his cow calved, but that his neighbor’s cow died. We have to live with it. I have to hide my pleasure. When I write articles for Snob, I replace the word “pleasure” with “joy.” Because in our minds, joy has some kind of spiritual basis, and pleasure is simply vicious. If you feel good, then it will be bad, we think. But this is optional. It could be much better next.

Sergey Nikolaevich

I really want to get out of negative experiences and become happy. What things make a person happy?

Happiness is a need for every person. Some never experience it. And others have experienced it once and want to return to it, but don’t know how to do it. At one of the lectures I was asked: how can a disabled person be happy? I remembered Niko Vujicic. He has a family, a wife, two children, a performance costs 30 thousand dollars.

He found happiness within himself - and this began to be projected outward. I can say which things definitely do not affect happiness: age, character and appearance. And almost everyone thinks that it is they who influence.

I look for unconditional love in men. When I met my husband, everything was fine with me, but I started looking for love again. What should I do?

Before your husband became your husband, you thought it would be good to please him. You had a need to please him so that he would marry you. When you got a husband who loves you unconditionally, you lost the need to pursue him. Because of this, you have a need to look to other men for your worth. Unlike men, women are structured strangely: the criterion of self-esteem for them is the attitude of a man. For me, the criterion of self-esteem is my abilities, capabilities, and achievements. Women are very dependent on a man’s gaze: if he likes it, it means I’m beautiful, if not, it means I’m ugly. We need to work with this. A man is a consequence of how you treat yourself. You need to accept yourself without outside judgment.

I have a husband and two small children. And they prevent me from becoming a singer. I feel lonely. I wouldn't want to betray my dream. Should I divorce my husband who doesn't support me?

You get divorced, and then what? Your husband has nothing to do with your work. With a neurotic consciousness, it seems that everything is hindering development. To divorce or not is not a fundamental question. It’s better to solve the problem first, stop looking for support and compassion, otherwise in the next relationship you will continue to do the same thing and in a year you will ask me the question again: should I get a divorce or not?

I discovered the Danish word “hygge”, which means “being present in the moment”; it is a philosophy, the obligatory parts of which are cocoa, a fireplace, and candles. Question: what kind of happiness is there in Russia, what should we call it? How to feel Russian happiness?

I remembered the poem: “I dream about a house, there is a river near the house / A naked woman on the stove / A basin full of moonshine / And Ustin’s order.” Ustinov was the Minister of Defense. Everyone has their own happiness. Humanly speaking, we are no different from the Danes. The cats that everyone posts, cocoa is a trend. And everyone has the same happiness.

Mikhail Labkovsky, Sergei Nikolaevich

How to avoid doubting yourself that you are less beautiful, less smart than others - in order to become happy?

Never compare yourself to anyone. Many people fail at this because we have been compared since childhood, and we cannot do anything about it as adults. You must like yourself, because what has grown has grown, it is yours. You need to love it not because you are better or worse than others, but because it is you, unique. You will be loved more if you love yourself. A man walks down the street, sees an incredibly beautiful woman, starts talking to her - and immediately loses interest. A man may prefer a fat woman to such a woman, who, as they say, is a “lighter.”

I have a question about the relationship between mother and daughter. I'm over 30 and I still need my mother's support. Maybe you can tell me how not to look for this support outside?

To do this, you need to stop asking people about yourself. You don't even need to talk about your problems. Stop asking people for help. You stop asking questions and gradually become self-sufficient.

Photo courtesy of the press service

Why do I wait for some conditions for happiness to arise, and when they happen, I still remain unhappy?

Psychologists have this opinion: if you spend too much time on the past, then you are close to depression, if you spend too much time on the future, you are close to anxiety. If you live in the present, then everything is fine. The question is different. People associate happiness with specific situations: someday my life will get better, I will have a job and a husband. People get married, have children and become unhappy again. You need to cling to the moments in today that you like. Then you will be the same and you will act the same way as now. A husband and children change little - the girl in front of you said that she wants to get a divorce because her husband does not support her. Her husband did not give her happiness.

I really don’t like the long Russian winter. I know what you will tell me: “Move.” But I would like to know what needs to be done to make me like it all: -20, reagents, dirt and grayness?

You are weather dependent. Something about winter also irritates me: its infinity. You are also probably generally dependent on external conditions. I believe that in this case you need to cultivate self-sufficiency. Then fewer external factors will influence you. If after March it is still winter, allow yourself to spit, what good is this, really! But from November to March - since we live in the northern zone - take the weather as it comes. There will be no snow in summer.

From the lecture “Mikhail Labkovsky: how to increase self-esteem”:

1. “In order to please others, you must first please yourself.”
2. “The secret of female attractiveness is not the ability to apply makeup or walk in high heels. All this is useless if there is no main thing - self-love.”

Where does this love or dislike for oneself come from?

It all starts in childhood. If a child grows up with normal, happy parents, he grows up with a healthy love for himself. As an adult, he loves himself and those people who love him. He is simply not interested in anything else.

This is the result of an ideal childhood. Often situations in childhood are different. Either mom and dad constantly quarrel, or the child grows up with his grandmother, and not with his parents. And thus childish love is associated with suffering. Insecurity and self-pity arise.

If parents pull their child back all the time, rarely praise him and always grumble, then he grows up to be an insecure adult.

Labkovsky appeals to all parents to praise and pamper their children. He claims that it is impossible to fall in love. But it’s easy to dislike. Therefore, more often call girls “princesses”, boys “heroes” and so on.

And the psychologist is also sure that a person who does not love himself is incapable of love at all. Without self-love there is no mutual love.

Do you love yourself?

To understand whether you love yourself or not, describe yourself as it looks from the outside. Character, appearance, some features. And then ask yourself a question: would you like such a person yourself. This will be the answer to an important question.

Often people say that they are not even able to describe themselves, everything is vague and amorphous. This is already a distress signal. It turns out that there is nothing? How to love this “Nothing”? Here you already need to deal with your head. Why, why can’t a person clearly define himself and his traits?

Until you become an individual and love this inner person in yourself, none of those around you will be able to love you either.

Remember, do those around you like people who agree with everyone, always agree and don’t have their own opinion on anything? They don’t like, they don’t respect, they don’t notice.

How to learn to love yourself?

Labkovsky identifies several main theses:

1. You have to accept yourself as you are.

As they say, what grows, grows. You need to grow self-love.

1. Don't hold a grudge in your heart.

If you don’t like the way your girlfriend or beloved man behaves, you need to say so directly. Yes, it will probably lead to a break in the relationship. But it is more likely that you will become more respected and appreciated.

And also, do not hold grudges against yourself for mistakes and mistakes. Don't focus on them. You've worked on your mistakes, move on. Don't punish or scold yourself.

1. Perceive yourself as a whole.

Many women like to “dismember” themselves: the hair is beautiful, but the legs are not so good, the eyes are big, but the breasts are small. So, you need to focus on the fact that you are good in general. The whole thing.

1. Try to understand for yourself what exactly you want.

Women's self-esteem is greatly influenced by other people's opinions. Many women cannot live without the approval of the majority. They constantly ask others if a new hairstyle suits them; in stores they torment saleswomen with the question of whether the dress matches the eyes.

We need to get rid of this. And buy what suits your soul, and cut your hair as you please.

The phrases “how do I look” and “does this suit me?” must be on the blacklist.

1. Also learn how to respond to compliments normally.

There is no need to deny them, to say, oh well, it wasn’t worth it, it seemed to you. It is enough to say the phrase: “Thank you, I am very pleased,” and this will be a step towards strengthening your self-confidence.

1. Never change your decisions.

You decide to do this, go there, wear this, and follow through with it. Be firm with yourself and with those around you.

1. Constantly tell yourself how unique and inimitable you are.

Don't try to compare yourself to others. The more often you praise and encourage yourself, the more confident you are within yourself. And love yourself with unconditional love.

Labkovsky says: “If you like yourself, then you behave like a person with high self-esteem and self-respect. Then those around you will perceive you that way. Looks or anything else has nothing to do with it."

Your self-esteem is in your head

If you decide that you are smart, beautiful, then so be it. And if at some stage in your life you told yourself that you are not very, so-so, then it is so.

Did you understand this trick?

Self-esteem is a purely subjective concept. It has nothing to do with objective reality. You decide how good you are.

Because there is no universal criterion of beauty in the world. Remember Rubens and Kustodiev, the Renaissance with shaved eyebrows. Even in our century, the concept of beauty changes every year. Don't look for comparisons, don't get along.

Many women are often unhappy with their appearance. What do they do to shorten noses and lengthen legs! It's all from self-dislike. It comes from within. You need to deal with your own perception of yourself, and not with your breasts or butt.

Labkovsky calls to remember examples of fatal beauties from the history of mankind who controlled the destinies of the world. These were not always beautiful women, but they were definitely women with high self-esteem and self-respect.

A person who loves himself follows 6 rules:

1. He only does what he likes.

Not what is needed, not what is effective or expedient. He only does what he loves to do.

1. And also he does not do what he does not like, to his detriment.

Not for the sake of peace on earth, not for the sake of money and profit. Such a person does not fight with himself, but accepts himself completely, unconditionally.

1. And also, a person who loves himself speaks directly about what he doesn’t like.

Husband, friend, colleagues, child, parents. He doesn't want to be in an uncomfortable relationship, so he tries to overcome dissatisfaction. Clarify the situation, indicate your position.

1. A person who loves and respects himself does not talk much or in vain.

He respects himself and his interlocutor.

1. He only answers the questions asked.

He doesn’t meddle in other people’s affairs, as he prefers not to be interfered with in his life either.

1. If he sorts things out with someone, he talks only about himself and his vision of the situation.

Doesn't try to get into his opponent's head. Thus, he shows respect not only for himself, but also for his partner.

If you previously had the opportunity to familiarize yourself with the activities of Mikhail Labkovsky, these rules are familiar to you. They are applicable in all areas of our lives, be it increasing self-esteem or raising children. This is what the famous psychologist says.

Mikhail Labkovsky Photo courtesy of the press service

Why are you so happy?

You and I have one peculiarity: happiness is not popular in our country. At all. For many, it is actually banned.

Most people live in families where it is not customary to enjoy life, it is not customary to say that everything is fine with us, we are not complaining. The inability of parents to smile and enjoy life is passed on to their children. They grow up confident that this is how life works. And they consider it necessary to respond to phrases like “Why are you so happy?” by making excuses.

Another, if you like, feature of our mentality is the idea that if it’s good now, then you will definitely have to pay for it. The same thing: “Are you laughing? Well, well, I hope I don’t have to cry later.” We are afraid to enjoy life by associating it with something vicious.

Comes from childhood

Most of our internal problems, no matter how trivial it may sound, are rooted in deep childhood. We live - as best we can, as best we can, somehow not too happily - and don’t even think that something is wrong. Problems? Fears? Uncertainty, inability to realize oneself, lack of faith in one’s strength? Well, what to do, such a character, there’s nothing you can do about it.

Moreover, we are accustomed to thinking that all stimuli come from outside. And so - since childhood. Here is a five-year-old child sitting, eating his favorite porridge - and suddenly starts crying. Mom is confused:

- What's happened?

- The boy... took the car away! (And he actually took it away - two years ago.)

That is, such a small person sits and provokes tears in himself. The fact is that he needs negativity, and even when nothing happens, he can get confused and find something to make himself suffer.

A neurotic person worries once...

How does this mechanism work? A neurotic gets up in the morning - and he is already anxious, and it is not clear why. And the psyche - it works like a computer: it begins to look for something to cling to and in which (or in whom) to place the alarm. The two main feelings of a neurotic are resentment and humiliation. He simply needs negativity, and the psyche clings to it, “giving” him reasons. And a neurotic always finds someone to blame for his own experiences - as a rule, close people.

In addition, for a neurotic, self-love is pity. That is, he needs to get into such a psychological situation in order to begin to feel sorry for himself: this is how unfairly they treat me, treat me badly, offend me.

And this, paradoxically, reveals the protective function of the psyche. Because if a neurotic does not find the culprit of his troubles and condition, then what? That's right - he will become the culprit and begin to gnaw at himself, and here he is not far from depression. So, in order to avoid such situations, the psyche assigns those to blame “automatically.”

Neurotic life usually follows one of two scenarios. Some live guided by the word “should”, others set goals for themselves, bang their heads against the wall to overcome difficulties, and at the same time get rid of internal tension.

There is an exception here - dependent people, alcoholics and drug addicts. They relieve internal tension and pain with the help of “improvised means”: vodka, drugs. Due to alkaloids, opiates and other substances, they are “released” at the biochemical level. But this is a direct road to depression (the price of five minutes of high is a week of deep depression), and then to the grave.

The worse the better: how we choose an unhappy scenario

How and why does a woman choose to be unhappy? Let's look at a few examples. Example one: a woman meets a man. She likes him, but his behavior makes her worry - he suddenly stops calling, stops paying attention, loses interest, maybe even behaves rudely. She had already gone through this story as a child with her dad: her father was not interested in her, ignored her, was absent, or went on endless binges.

Of course, there is no need to exaggerate: such a woman does not necessarily choose a man exactly like her father, but some similar traits should hook her. And she must enter into the same relationship with him as with her dad - only this will provide her with both attraction and love.

The second example, and another common cause of unhappiness, is social pressure. Endless “brainwashing”, reminders of the “biological clock”, advice to “take what they give” before it’s too late. Well, a woman “takes”: out of fear of being left alone, many enter into relationships that do not bring joy, love, flawed relationships, in which no one loves anyone at all. Both he and she in such a union believe that they deserve more, better or simply different, but due to circumstances they are forced to put up with what is.

And finally, another classic case - spending time with married men. Yes, there is a lottery element to this. I, and you probably have friends whose lovers divorced their previous wives and married them. And yet this is not for everyone. Of course, you can fall in love with a married man - no one is immune from this - but then everything is simple. You tell him: get a divorce and call, but only quickly - I won’t wait long. If you don't get divorced, goodbye. But in order to do this, you must have a healthy psyche, not sharpened by suffering.

It's never too late to change your mind

Psychiatrists say that our psyche becomes stable only at the age of 30: reactions, experiences, emotional world, and worldview are finally formed. But what should those who have already reached this age and become “ossified” in their habits do? Is there a way to destroy this system, the reflex arc, break the neural connections and develop new ones?

Answer: yes, and at any age. It is not for nothing that gerontologists suggest that older people walk backwards, learn foreign languages, poems, and eat soup with the other hand - so that new neural channels are formed in the brain. With age, the brain deteriorates, and this forces the creation of new neural connections.

However, it is not at all necessary to walk with your back while holding a soup spoon in your left hand: my six rules are precisely what help the psyche change. Let me briefly remind you of these rules:

1. Do only what you want.
2. Don't do what you don't want to do.
3. Talk about what you don’t like right away.
4. Don't answer when not asked.
5. Answer only the question.
6. When sorting out relationships, talk only about yourself.

At one time, in childhood, by repeating stereotypical decisions, you brought your behavior to automatism (though not on purpose: “it’s on its own”). Now you need to do the same thing, but consciously - and “in the other direction.”

At first, you may look like a complete slowdown: your psyche will give you ready-made solutions, push you into typical reactions, but your task is to act in a new way, after analyzing the situation and listening to yourself. Was there a question? If so, what's the best way to answer it? How do you feel: do you like it or not? So you're watching a movie: are you really interested - or do you want to get up and leave? And so it is in everything.

And you should no longer care. Just imagine: you have an employer, and you are emotionally attached to him. Fear is holding you back: you took out a loan, bought a car, you think you depend on it. And you shouldn't care. And if someone doesn’t understand you, then that’s not your problem either.

Once you begin to break the established habit of being a victim, you may discover a huge number of imposed ideas and behavioral stereotypes. You will understand that most complexes and fears are imposed on you by others. What seemed normal and correct pulls you down, prevents you from being yourself, and prevents you from developing.

Understand one more important thing: only a happy person can make those around him happy.

Work on mistakes

Change is never easy, it is real work. And if you feel that it’s hard for you, that you are “slowing down,” it means that a change in neural connections is happening in your head. The fact that this is not easy for you is the main criterion that you are changing. The psyche will resist, and this is normal. And those around you will certainly make it clear that your behavior is unusual and often unpleasant for them. But this is your life - you will have to sacrifice many of those around you.

In addition, you will learn a lot of new things about yourself, and not always pleasant ones. You will have to get rid of illusions and see yourself without embellishment. It may also happen that your loved one suddenly ceases to seem interesting and attractive to you. Looking around, you may not find like-minded people nearby at all. But it’s worth it: being yourself is great happiness!

And most importantly: the psyche is based on actions, on actions, and not on words. You get up and leave a boring performance that a friend invited you to, quit a job where you are treated poorly, and your psyche registers a fundamentally different behavior and begins to change. But banging your fist on the table and complaining is useless - you only talk, but do nothing.

And it doesn’t matter at all whether you achieve something in life or not. The only thing that matters is whether you live your life joyfully, with pleasure. If you don't have fun, then what difference does it make what you have achieved, what your status is, how much you earn?

Many great people, including Dostoevsky, lived deeply unhappy lives. Now it’s a pleasure for us to read in our leisure time, but the man suffered. You may still be accustomed to thinking that discomfort and suffering are the norm. But that's not true. The world is colorful and full, and you can just live and be happy, and you don’t need anything special for this. So the main question is not “to be or not to be,” but whether you get joy from life or not. Nothing more serious and important simply exists.

On November 29, at Mercury Space, Mikhail Labkovsky, with the support of Lancôme and the Snob project, will give his lecture “Happiness: instructions for use.” The event will be held as part of a series of lectures “Happiness being yourself”, dedicated to the search for harmony and a source of inspiration on the path to happiness.

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Mikhail Labkovsky is a top-class Russian psychologist with 30 years of experience and 20 years of experience in live radio and television broadcasting. This is the experience of an instant response to a question and the ability to make a diagnosis without a multi-hour appointment, which has allowed many to change their lives for the better.

With his speeches, Mikhail Labkovsky changed ideas about both psychologists and lectures. It would be more accurate to call them public consultations. This is a unique genre that does not involve lecturer monologues, canonical text, or homework.

The author of the bestseller “I want and will: Accept yourself, love life and become happy,” Labkovsky became famous for his straightforward, honest and therefore somewhat harsh statements. We offer you a selection of his most interesting tips about everything in the world:

1. You can’t stand on tiptoe all your life, and being disappointed is always more painful than showing your real self in the first place.

2. Do you know what the fundamental difference is between a healthy person and a neurotic? A healthy person also suffers, but from real stories. And a neurotic suffers from fictional stories. And if there is not enough suffering, he also catches up with his beloved Kafka, Dostoevsky and the bottle.

3. The only time in a person’s life when he is objectively dependent and when he can be considered a hostage is childhood and dependence on his parents. It doesn't last long. In other cases, staying in any relationship is the choice of an adult.

4. If you don’t like the way a man behaves, you don’t need to look for excuses for his behavior. A situation in which “he didn’t call back” means the end of a relationship for a healthy girl, and the beginning of love for an unhealthy girl.

5. If you are an aggressive person, and you pour out this aggression on a child, then he develops fears, anxiety, and self-doubt. Express yourself naturally: behave the way you behave - if you don’t like something, that means you don’t like it, you’re upset - that means you’re upset.

6. If a person replaces the whole world for another person, this means that he simply does not have his own world.

7. There is a category of people who believe that living for your own pleasure is selfishness. In fact, these people were taught by their parents in childhood that they cannot live the way they want. They were told that there is a main word - “must”. A person should live the way he likes, and there is nothing wrong with that.

8. A woman should never tolerate anything in a relationship that she doesn’t like. She should talk about it right away, and if the man does not change, she should break up with him.

9. The key to a happy family life, marriage and sex with one partner lies in only one thing - a stable psyche. No concessions, no compromises - this is all a direct road to a cardiologist or oncologist. When a person has a stable psyche, he can live with one partner all his life. And love him alone.

10. Healthy people always choose themselves, but neurotic people choose relationships to their detriment, and this is the most important difference.

11. A healthy person does not want to get married. The first thing you have to do is stop wanting to get married. In other words, if you want to get married, you need to stop thinking about it, devalue the idea itself.

12. When the flight attendant shows you the life-saving equipment, what does she say about the oxygen masks? “If you are traveling with a child, provide yourself with a mask first, then the child.” That's the whole point. Everyone is trying to help the child, while remaining an absolute psycho. That's not how it works. If you want your child to feel good, do something with your head first.

13. When you are not loved, you should not cling to people.

14. Any conflict in the family, at work, in love and friendship is only a reflection of your internal conflict. Therefore, you don’t have to deal with others, you have to deal with yourself.

15. People are not liked because they bend. A woman will be just an empty place for a man if it is impossible to say about her who she is, what she is and what she likes for breakfast. The paradox is that men simply adore bitchy women.

16. Men, like children, like it when a woman has character.

17. Men are designed in such a way that since the time of their mother, they only approach those who give them approval with their eyes. A healthy man is like a child. He comes up when the woman smiles at him, looks into his eyes...

18. We measure love by the level of suffering. And healthy love is about how happy you are.

19. As for finding a partner, I’ll tell you who to look for? The only quality your partner can have is that he clings to you. Everything else doesn't play any role at all. If you love him, worry about him, worry - then there are no “bars”.

20. A normal person does not continue a relationship in which he is not respected. However, he won’t even start them.

21. Both spouses come home from work, both tired. And there is a mountain of unwashed dishes. The question is not whose turn it is to wash the dishes and not that “I’m going to bend over backwards now because my husband earns more.” And it’s not that your husband will wash the dishes just because you spent the night with your child. You should want to do the dishes because you love your spouse so much that you don't want him to stress out. This is the only reason to wash dishes.

You don’t concede anything to anyone - you really want to do it out of love. And the husband also washes the dishes, because he enjoys it, and not because “oh, I’m tired of everything, now there will be a scandal, she will scream. I’d better wash it, at least the house will be quiet.”

22. Loneliness is not the absence of love around. This is a lack of interest in oneself, and since childhood.

23. The reason for women's problems is not that he behaves like a goat. The reason is that she has a neurosis that requires an outlet. And for this exit, a certain person and relationship are needed in which she could suffer. Therefore, she specifically enters into such relationships, because she has had a mental need for this since childhood.

24. A child begins to behave aggressively after about two years - he behaves like the rest of the animal world. He is trying to understand his boundaries: he can punch his mother in the face, start fighting with his hands and feet, gnawing and biting. This is a natural manifestation of a child who is trying “like a young animal” to understand what he can and cannot do.

25. Family therapy is a scam. There is only one type of family therapy that I consider truly useful - psychological mediation in divorce cases.

26. Modesty does not decorate anyone. Due to complexes, uncertainty and low self-esteem, a girl lives without sex and relationships, not because she is scary, but because she treats herself poorly. The psychologist's task is to rid her of this.

27. The meaning of life is in life itself. The purpose of life is to enjoy it. Life guideline is self-realization.

28. Children and dad have their own relationship. For some reason, women try to hide behind their children, but what does this have to do with marriage? Dad either loves children or doesn’t love them - and it doesn’t matter whether their mother is married to him or not.

29. For a healthy person, everything happens as follows: he loves someone, someone loves him. This is the only possible normal relationship.

Do you know someone who could really use these tips?

Simple and wise about the ability to enjoy life. About why we are unhappy, what obstacles stand in our way and what needs to be changed to become happy.

1. Don't be afraid to be happy

Most people live in families where it is not customary to enjoy life, it is not customary to say that everything is fine with you. Our parents' inability to rejoice and smile is passed on to us, and we believe that this is how life works. Another of our tricks is the idea that if you had a good time, you will definitely have to pay for it. We are afraid to enjoy life and associate it with something vicious.

2. Stop feeling sorry for yourself.

When you tell others about your problems, what do you want? You want to complain, not solve it. The cult of suffering is another of our features. It is easier for us to suffer than to live happily. A healthy person either accepts the situation or changes it. Neurotic - does not accept and does not change. Take, for example, a physical illness that really prevents you from enjoying life. But healthy people are treated, and neurotic people want to get sick because they get a reason to feel sorry for themselves. People are ready to die on the road, because being treated means wanting to live and have fun.

3. Separate real problems from imagined ones.

A neurotic differs from a healthy person in that a healthy person worries about real problems, while a neurotic worries about non-existent ones. It's almost like a hobby - inventing a problem for yourself and suffering from it all day.

4. Don't try to help everyone around you

The desire to help others arises because you do not believe that you can be loved for nothing. By helping others you try to raise your own self-esteem. Therefore, unless you are asked, it is better not to touch people with your hands. Focus on those who really need help.

5. Don't talk when you're not asked.

When you answer questions that are not asked, you are revealing your anxiety. Once I was walking with a girl past a disgusting store called “Wardrobe” and she said: “What a beautiful dress,” and after a minute of my silence: “I knew that you were not a man.” By the way, she is one hundred percent woman. But if she asked to buy, I would buy, and if in such situations you immediately run to the cash register, you are an insecure person.

6. Separate love from addiction

People never give up what they love. Take smoking, for example. I smoked for 37 years, and for the last 10, three packs a day. Once I quit for an hour and forty, when the doctor said that I would soon be done. I stopped smoking when I told myself that I don't like cigarettes, I'm just addicted to them. Neurotics cannot distinguish between addiction and love.

7. Routine is not always bad

I have been doing the routine (lecturing) for 35 years and I feel great because I am a conservative person. Remember that Rabinovich asked the prisoner: “Why are you walking around the cell all the time, do you think you’re not sitting?” Neurotics cannot live in peace, they constantly rush about, they are afraid of not being able to do something, and they receive a fifth-grade education. When the opportunity arises to do nothing, they become uncomfortable.

8. Change yourself, not others

This, first of all, concerns raising children. You cannot do something with your children without doing anything to yourself. They don't perceive what you say, they perceive what you do and how you behave with others. I advised a 70-year-old woman who did not understand why her son was 40 and did not call. It turned out that even at 15 she annoyed him by imposing her scripts on him. Therefore, remember what the flight attendant says on the plane - first put a mask on yourself, then on your children.

9. Take criticism more easily

Remember how you are sitting on the subway and your grandmother comes in. The carriage glares at you with hatred, and you catapult out of your seat. Why are you doing this, because your grandmother is not asking you to give in? It's a matter of low self-esteem and fear of being convicted in absentia. Experiment and don't get up if you don't want to. No matter what they say - that you are unscrupulous, that you have never encountered such crap in your life, do not react. Over time, you will understand that someone else's assessment can be ignored.

10. Do only what you want

A classic example with children, when you play with them because it’s necessary - I’m a good person, therefore, I have to play. Stop it. Play when you want, and when you don't want, don't play. Children also feel when you are not interested, and guilt is not love. Take care of your children when you want and as much as you want. You already have a lot of responsibilities.